If Oprah calls you, make sure she calls me right away.  She can call me back at any time as long as it’s between 10:00 and 10:30 tomorrow morning.   She’s been getting advice from that Suze Orman.  Need I say more.  Oprah has been having this recurring dream that she runs a borscht factory right outside of St. Petersburg in 1914 Russia.  The man who supplies her with the beets, a man that she says looks just like Dr. Phil but goes by the name of Vladimir keeps on asking her if she’s a Menshevik or a Bolshevik.  Oprah is not sure what to say so she keeps on trying to change the subject to herring.  But he’s very persistent.  So she asked Suze what she should say to him when the dream recurs tonight or tomorrow night.  Here’s the crazy part: Suze says, “Tell him you’re a Menshivik.  You are so not a Bolshevik.  Phil Donahue is a Bolshevik.  Sally Jessie Raphael is a Bolshevik.  But you and Rachel Ray are total Mensheviks.”  Then Suze starts ranting her socio-economic BS saying how the bourgeoisie isn’t all that bad and that evolution is always better than revolution. 

Boy did I let Suze have it.  “Hey Suze, Murray here.  So why don’t you just go tell Oprah to move to Athens during the Peloponnesian War?”  You never take the side of the loser.  Who cares if the Athenians were democrats.  The Spartans won, and they wore nicer togas.  You know Oprah has a body shape that does not look good in just any type of toga.  Let me repeat this because it’s extremely important.  Always stick on the winning side.  I just love my new, best friend Catherine O’Donnell who won the Republican primary in Delaware.  Or is it Christine?  And although I don’t support any of her views, I will remain dear friends with her until she loses the general election.  And if that Nazi bastard does lose, she better stop calling me on my cell because I only have 300 minutes a month. 

I mean, let me ask you a question.  If Miss Spain 1974 Amparo Muñoz and Miss England 1974 Kathleen Ann Anders were to invite you over to dinner for the same evening, it’s a no brainer where you’d go (even if Kathleen Ann Anders’ tuna croquettes are to die for).  Am I right or am I right?

The “singer” John Mayer calls me last night and says to me, “Murray, I was just watching The Suze Orman Show.  So how are you any different than that Suze Orman?  To me, you’re both nothing but overweight, over-aged, Jewish Lesbians trying to give out enigmatic, financial advice!”  So I said to him, “John, can I ask you just one question?  How is a bagel different than a bialy?”  There was dead silence, which by the way, beats his singing.

 So I said to him, “The center of a bagel, like the center of Suze Orman is hollow and void.  There’s nothing.  Meanwhile, the center of a bialy is filled with a mixture of finely chopped up garlic, thinly and delicately sliced onions, and poppy seeds, often, but not necessarily, roasted in kosher chicken fat!”    So you know what he says to me that “John Mayer”?  He says to me, “Murray, meanwhile, everyone eats bagels.  Who the hell eats bialys?”  So I said to him, “If you’re talking about eating me, John Mayer, is your way of coming on to me, I’m no Jennifer Anniston.”

That reminds me.  Last week, I was in Beijing with Chinese leader Hu Jintao.  He wanted to know if I’d cover the US in case it defaults on its debt.  So I said to him, “Hu, can I ask you just one question?  Who’s a bigger patriot than Murray Trillionaire?  So he says to me, “David Schwimmer from Friends.  He’s a true patriot.  In fact, Murray, I always get the two of you confused.” So I said to him, “What are you saying Hu, that all us Jews look alike?”  So he says, “Not to me Murray, but when you first rang the bell, my wife thought you were Barbra Streisand!” 

So I went right up to Madame Hu and sang to her, “People, people who need people should be using those people as tax deductions.”  So she says to me, “Barbra, that was beautiful.  I’ll never for the life of me understand how that Elliot Gould ever left you?”  So I said to her, “Madame Hu, he couldn’t deal with my success?”  So she says to me, “Oy vey Barbra, Connie Chung has the same problem with her husband, that Maury Povitch!”  So I said to her, “Madame Hu, you’re delicious!  Can I bring you something special on my next trip to China?    So she says to me, “Barbra, you know what I would love? I would plotz for a good bialy.”