If you are a teenager, and you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, or even if you are all of the above, I am here to tell you it gets better.  But only for about ten to fifteen years.  Then it all goes downhill…rapidly.   At about 290 mph.  Maybe even 300 mph.  Make sure you’re wearing a helmet in any case.

A friend of mine from college was recently complaining to me that he and his wife no longer have sex.  “Who the hell would want to have sex with you?,” I asked.  I get nauseous just having to shake your hand.  And if only it were your looks.  I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast a couple of hours ago.  And quite frankly, I don’t think I’d want to know.  Everything I like to eat, I’m no longer allowed to eat.

And those bullies who have been tormenting you, where do you think they’re going?  Think they’re just going to disappear.  No, they leave high school too.  And they become your boss, your pilates’ instructor, your mother-in-law and even worse: your spouse.

So rather than deluding you, like everyone else is doing, into believing that things will just get better, I’m going to give you the helpful tools to deal with a life of constant descent.

SPITE. One of my personal weapons of preference. OK, you want to make fun of my sexuality?  Let’s see how much time you have to make fun of me after I report you to the IRS?  Have you been claiming all that money you’ve been making mowing lawns?  What about the babysitting?  I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to worry about who I’m attracted to when you’re being audited.

FIND THEIR ACHILLES HEEL. Everyone has one.  Everyone!  I was at a cocktail party last week when who shows up but none other than that Claudia Schiffer.  First thing she says to me is, “Murray the holidays aren’t even here yet, and it looks like you’ve already put on weight!”  Meanwhile have you ever noticed how white her skin is and how red her lips are?  She looks like a candy cane!  So I said to her, “Listen Schiffer, it’s not even the holiday season yet, and you look like a candy cane with your honky ass skin and really red lips.  I feel like taking you in my mouth and sucking you!”  Well, that shut her up.  She didn’t come near me for the entire rest of the evening.  I retain water this time of the month.  Excuse me for living, you bitch!

Look how red her lips are. They're hideous!

UNDERSTAND HOW CAREFULLY WORDED SARCASM AND IRONY CAN TURN A COMPLIMENT INTO AN INSULT. Never tell a bully (or someone French for that matter) that they “look good”, but rather, tell them that they look good TODAY.  Don’t tell them that they did a great job on something but rather, “I’m REALLY SURPRISED at what a great job you did.”  Words can be a powerful weapon, especially when they are properly used maliciously.

USE LIES AND RUMORS TO BRING THOSE BULLIES DOWN. When I was in high school, there was this big bully named Neil Rosenberg who happened to be my best friend.  Well, this asshole goes and gets a 1600 on his S.A.T. scores without ever thinking of what the impact would be on my fragile psyche.  So while he’s off preparing his essays for Harvard, Yale, and Stanford, I went around telling everyone that he only got a 1560.  Well, he was humiliated.  So he went on to be our class’s valedictorian and got a full scholarship to Harvard.  His reputation was ruined.

LIVE 50% OF YOUR DAY IN THE 51^ST STATE OF THE UNION: THE STATE OF DELUSION. Reality sucks.  That’s why I spend as little awake time as possible living there.  Get up, brush my teeth and think about who am I today?  Brad Pitt?  Woody Allen?  Ricky Martin?  Ricky Ricardo?  One of the Wonder Twins.  Anyone but me.

Deluding myself that I'll ever run a marathon.

LET PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE A LITTLE CRAZY. Nobody wants to mess with a lunatic.  Who knows what you are capable of doing?  So once you get over the stigma of being classified as “deranged” or what did Claudia Schiffer say to Christie Brinkley, “that I’m nuts, if I remember correctly.”  It’s like my dear friend Helen Reddy says in her 1974 smash hit Angie Baby: “It’s so nice to be insane.  No one asks you to explain.  Radio by your side, Angie baby.”

The media (and when I say “media”, I mean The National Enquirer, People, and US Magazine) has been spending too much time this week on disparaging remarks made against Muslims by Juan Williams and Bill O’Reilly and not enough time on what Celine Dion is likely to name her soon to be born twin sons (my vote is on Lenny and Squiggy).  Listen, I understand.  Back in the good ol’ days (and when I say “good ol’ days”, I mean 1984 when both Madonna and Boy George were at their peak), you used to be able to just look at a Muslim and tell from their hair color if they were good (Hoda Kotb) or bad (Cat Stevens).  But now that they’re all using hair dyes, it is just becoming next to impossible.  That’s why I’ve created the Dr. Murray Trillionaire Questionnaire on telling a bad Muslim from a good Muslim.

Very bad Muslims often smile when they look at you so as to distract you.

Make sure to photocopy this questionnaire and take it with you wherever you go.  It will help you to know when you are sitting next to a good Muslim on your next flight or when it’s time to ask for a seat change.

Question #1

Ask the Muslim for his name.  Unlike Jews who like when you ask them what their children’s names are, Muslims love when you ask them their name.  Good Muslims will have an even amount of vowels in their first name (i.e. Ali, Maya); the bad ones have an odd amount of vowels.  The exceptions to this rule are Mohammed, Ismael, Fatima, and Tony in which case it really can go either way.

Question #2

Unlike Jews who like asking hypothetical questions (i.e. would you still pay for my wedding if I marry a Gentile from Connecticut), Muslims love answering hypothetical questions.  So here’s a good one: “Would Barbra Streisand have still made the movie Yentl if she were married to Omar Sharrif (note two vowels in the first name)?”  If they say, “no”, they are good Muslims.  Surprising, no?  You would have expected the opposite.  That’s why I’m here.  This is powerful info I’m giving to you.

A good Muslim will always smile when (s)he makes eye contact with you.

Question #3

Excuse me, do you have an American flag and a book of matches that I can borrow?  Good Muslims (like good Christians and good Jews) burn their bras.  The bad ones burn flags with a notable preference for those of the United States, Israel, and Trinidad & Tobego.

Question #4

What do you think Celine Dion should name her soon to be born sons?  If the words Zionist, Bastard, and or Imperialist are at all part of the name, you are looking at trouble.

Donald “The Donald” Trump is just so competitive with me.  It’s really quite tragic.  He spent two hours this weekend bragging to Miss Dionne Warwick that his yacht is bigger than mine.  Dionne tells me everything.  That’s what friends are for. 

Have you ever seen “The Donald’s” yacht?  It’s all shaft.  Yes, it’s nice and long.  But the damn thing has this really odd curve to it.  It’s like alway pointing  in the direction of The Bermuda Triangle, no matter where it is.  Enticing you in to danger.  Any dock gets rammed by that yacht, and it won’t walk straight for days.

And his yacht’s got this big awning at its tip.  Quite unsightly.  Ivana told me that it collects nothing but dust.  She said that it used to make the whole yacht smell.  You could smell it hours before it even enters the harbor.  My yacht used to have an awning, but it was yanked off before I took full possession of my yacht. 

The fact of the matter is, that yacht’s been around since Roosevelt was president.  And I’m sure you would have never caught Eleanor sailing on it.  That thing should be stuck in some museum…The Museum of Natural History, perhaps.  Elton cracked up when I told him that one.  By the way, Elton has a very small yacht.  I like to refer to it as his dinghy…shrinky dinghy.