I got two big issues with Bernie.  First and foremost, at 9:00 minutes in the video Bernie starts talking about how he and his wife started going Christmas shopping and that everything is made in China.  Bernie, why aren’t you Chanukah shopping?  And here’s the problem with you poor people.. you go out and spend our hard earned money that we give to you in the form of paychecks and buy stuff made in China.  That’s the problem.  You’re not letting money circulate.  In order for an economy to grow, money needs to ciruclate.  You give money to the Chinese and the Chinese put it in their piggie banks.  The Chinese don’t spend money, they save it.  Connie Chung has spent $15 in the last 30 years (and only about 1/12th of it on Maury I may add). 

We 1% are different.  We take our money and spend it on products made in Italy and Switzerland like $1,500 cashmere sweaters or milk chocolate bars in the shape of Lady Gaga (secret’s out…that’s what I’m giving everyone for Chanukah this year).  We give our money to the Swiss and Italians who then go out and buy German cars, German dishwashers, the best of Nena Hagen CDs.  The money is circulating.  Then, the Germans go out and buy Polish.  The Germans are very into the Polish these days.  Claudia Schiffer told me that every German’s got at least 25 lbs. of kielbasa in their basement freezer.  The Poles go out and spend their kielbasa money on Russian vodka, and then the Russians go out and by daschas on the French Riviera.  Now, the money is in the hands of the French which one would think would be bad.  But the French (as a nation) only make two types of major investments: vanilla sceneted air fresheners for their cars and to buy the rights to American TV shows that nobody else watches anymore: Starsky and Hutch, Laverne and Shirley, Lost in Space.  Thus, the money comes back to us.  Back to America.

1. Double Dip Recessions look better on a graph.  And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s an ugly graph.  Here’s a detailed graph that pretty much shows the recession.  It’s gorgeous.  It looks just like Madonna’s bust in her Vogue video. 

Madonna's boobies from The Vogue video or a graph of a double dip rececession.

2. There are two things that are really big turn-offs for me: French toddlers that smoke unfiltered cigarettes and lazy, old people.  Have you ever noticed that when most people turn 90, they want just everything spoon fed to them.  Just because they no longer have any teeth.  Well, this recession has gotten more senior citizens off the street and back on the assembly line.

3. Putting the poor back in their place.  I remember a couple of years ago Bill Gates whining to me that even the poor now have the fun gadgets that were reserved only for the well-to-do just a few years before.   He had just had dinner over at Oprah’s house and was pissed to see that she had a big flat screen, plasma TV just like he did.  “What fun is it to be filthy rich if the poor have the same toys that we do?”  Well, after this recession, the poor may still have their gadgets but they no longer have all those “accoutrements” that go with it like a house, food, or health care.

4. Bringing back the extended family.  When grandpa loses his job, he often has to move back in with his grandson or great granddaughter.  It’s very Chico and the Man.  I love it. 

5. People are eating Pop-Tarts again.  Where else can you have a pastry filled breakfast for $0.25 or less?  Croissants can cost twenty times that and don’t come in cherry vanilla or oreo cookies and cream.

1. Hilary Clinton is not a natural blonde.  Look at this picture from when she was in 4th grade.  Her roots are as dark as mine.

2. Actress Mo’nique is thinking of adding a comma to her name so that she can be Mo’ni, que.

3. The French don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom.

4. North Korea is willing to give up its nuclear weapons in exchange for Shania Twain.

5. Marie Osmond has put on weight– close to 9 oz.  Don’t tell Jenny. 

6. Ashford and Simpson are not really as solid as a rock but rather more like plexiglass which is still solid but will break if you put something heavy (like Marie) on it.

And that brings us to Mr. Charlie Rangel, the twenty term Congressmen from Harlem, New York.  Mr. Rangel is accused of failing to report $600,000 in income.  Come on, people.   I have over $600,000 of spare change in between the cushions of one of my couches, which by the way is made of baby tiger skin leather.  I paid over $945 million dollars for that couch.  And here’s what pisses me off: it doesn’t convert into a bed.  I thought I was getting the baby tiger skin leather couch that converts into a bed.  But that one is $150 extra.  Anyway, what’s $600,000?  Do you remember what you had for breakfast on May 13th, 1973?  I bet it was a pop tart.  I love pop tarts.  Never eat a pop tart cold.  Now that’s immoral.  And sluttish.

Oh and then Charlie apparently failed to report some rental income to the IRS.  Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.  I once rented a chalet on the Costa Brava from Charro’s grandmother and skipped out before paying her.  But she referred to me as “tu” instead of “usted” which I thought was just rude. 

Here’s the real crime that Charlie Rangel is guilty of:  Charlie was unable to have legal representation as he has already paid $2 million in legal fees and can not afford anymore.  Who the hell is a Congressman for forty years and doesn’t amass enough money to pay $2 million in legal fees.  Imelda Marcos and I used to spend more than that at Bloomingdales in pantyhose.  What do I need with $2 million dollars in women’s pantyhose?  None of your damn business.  It was all highly ethical.  I think.

So she says to me, “Murray, let’s cut the B.S. and go right to the chase.  Prince William wants to marry that Kate Middleton.  But she’s making two demands on me in order to agree to marry him: she wants Sarah “Duchess of York” to always be at least 14 lbs. overweight and for you to no longer be able to wear berets.”

Middleton likes to hunt down ducklings, rabbits, and people who use the word "the".

So I said to her, “Why 14 lbs.?  Why not 15 or 20?”  So she says to me, “It’s a stone.  Us Brits like to talk in stones.  But that’s not important.  I told her that I weigh Sarah every morning right after I have breakfast which is always a bagel with lox flavored cream chesee (much cheaper than having real lox and cream cheese) and before I do my yoga.  In the last twelve years, there has not been a day that she’s been under 17 lbs. overweight.  No need for any new laws or edicts.  But Murray, you are not a British subject.  I have no control over you.”

So I said to her, “That’s right.   I only answer to two people: G-d (who technically is not a person) and Marie Osmond (who technically is).  Listen, Liz, I’ll stop wearing berets the day you become kosher for Passover!”  Knowing full well that she ain’t giving up her morning bagel.

5 Reasons To Hate That Kate Middleton

You know I’m the type of person who absolutely refuses to bad mouth anyone.  It’s just not in my nature…I can’t do it.  Besides, it creates bad karma, and I’m all about yummy karma.  But that Kate Middleton can be so arrogant, pompous, pedantic, didactic, judgmental, affranctuous, babblative, henotheistic, pedestrian, rebarbative, and yucky.  Am I right or am I right?  Now, let me just get one thing straight.  It doesn’t bother me that she is henotheistic per se; look at the Croatians.  They can be very henotheistic as well, and I never say a bad thing about the Croatians (aside from the fact that I don’t like the way they pronounce the letter “g” and their “r”.  And I hate their cabbage soup.)  But the French are just so damn henotheistic.  It’s just a bit excessive.

1. Kate Middleton’s real name is Catherine.  If you’re going to go around calling yourself Kate, then your real name should be Katherine or Kathryn.  If your name is Catherine, then you are Cate.  Cate Blanchett doesn’t go around pretending to be a Kate.  But then Cate Blanchett has morals.

2. Cate Middleton is only 5′ 9″.  If you’re going to be the queen of England, you should either be under 5′ 4″ (as the current queen is) or over 5′ 10″.  To me, that’s just common sense.

3. She doesn’t eat Doritos.  Now I could accept if she didn’t like Cool Ranch as was the case with Princess Di.  But to out and out reject Doritos, that’s just repugnant.

4. Her family can only trace their roots back to the mid 1500s.  What the hell were the Middletons up to in 1437?  I think they’re hiding something.

5. Catherine Elizabeth Middleton loves wearing hats but DOES NOT LIKE WEARING BERETS.

Me Shall Overcome! I will not be intimidated by some chick who has never even been to the Jersey Shore. I will not wear one beret today but two.

Well, any way I’m a bit hesitant to tell you what the French did to me because it’s going to ruin your day.  But I think you need to know.  You need to be prepared since it can happen to you.  I was at this party of some famous French actress.  I’m not going to tell you her name.  But let’s just say it rhymes with Catherine Veneuve.  Enough said.  Well, I get there and I am dying of thirst.  Paris dehydrates.  And none of the travel agents ever tells you that.  London lubricates.  Paris dehydrates.  All I wanted was a Diet Dr. Pepper with three large ice cubes in it.  Nothing too demanding.  Well, her bartender points to a row of maybe 90 bottles of exotic French wines and says to me, “Ms. Veneuve is serving wine tonight.”  So I said to him, “Well, Dr. Trillionaire doesn’t do wine, especially when he’s in France.  It gives me the runs and your toilet paper is so damn stiff, and you still have Turkish toilets all over the place that quite frankly I’d rather just wait to go to the bathroom when I’m back home in America where there’s Charmin double-ply.  I need something that will bind me.”  So you know what he says to me?  You’re going to love this!  He says to me, “Can I get you some bottled water?”  “Can I get you some felt?”  Who the hell drinks bottled water when they’re dehydrated?  And I was on to his little charade.  He’d bring me some water and no ice.  Room temperature water.  The French do that.  They drink room temperature water. 

Well, I don’t forget.  So last night I invited my closest 5,000 French friends over for dinner (there was actually one Belgian, but she claimed that her grandmother was French.  So I let her stay.)  All I served to drink was root beer.  The French hate root beer.  And there was lots of ice.  One of them had the gaul to ask me for water.  Well, I gave it to him but made sure he knew it was tap.  The French don’t do tap.  And the rudeness, they start bitching to me about who drinks the root of a tree.  It’s not like it’s just any root: it’s the root of a sassafras tree.  Like a grape is any better!  Did you know that the sassafras is dioecious?  The grape is not.

You know that I’m a die-hard Democrat.  But I have to say, I’ve been seeing George Bush on TV promoting his book and haven’t been this attracted to a man since I first saw Elliot Gould mowing the grass without a shirt on.  It’s gotten really bad.  I woke up in the middle of the night last night and snuck out to my local 7-11 to get some beef jerky (Texas barbeque flavor, of course).  What do I do?

Love,

Barbra J. Streisand

Dear Barbra,

Do I have to remind you what happens when you mix your hair and Texas humidity?

Barack here.  Ever since I landed in India, I’ve been having this recurring dream where I am a former actor turned president of France named Brigitte Bardot (only the French are crazy enough to elect a former actor president (LOL)).  Well, it’s just got me thinking Murray…You know the French

Brigitte "Bardot" Obama-Mama

love their Socialists, they’re cool with Entitlement programs (I hear they think they’re entitled to everything) and they adore their Muslim.  I mean, they still love Josephine Baker, and she’s been dead for like 200 years.  So I’ve started to have these fantasies where I run off to France and become president.  It’s probably all the curry I’ve been eating the last few days.  I told Michelle, “I’m fine with cumin but keep the curry away from me.”

A bientot,

Barack

Dear B.O.,

I put up with your fantasies about being one of Charlie’s Angels, and I even said nothing when you told me you were thinking of becoming queen of England.  But enough is enough.  The French!  Do you not realize that they behead their leaders when the peasants have nothing to eat?  That even the leaders they like are forced to speak French and say “ooh la la” whenever Angela Merkel walks into a room!

Sure, they love your health care policies, but wait until they find out that you want to bring an end to the war in Iraq!  Oh no, wait a minute, they’re going to like that too.  Well, wait until they find out about your positions on clean air.  The French like their air dirty.  They’re so kinky in that respect.  And have you ever tried to find Doritos in France?  Now, I’m not even talking Cool Ranch or one of the newer flavors like Buffalo Wing or Pizza flavored…I’m talking regular Nachos.  It’s next to impossible.  And I hear that they’ve started putting curry on everything.

Would your lipstick look this good if you were married to George Clooney?

It comes as no surprise to anyone that I’ve been paid billions by the world’s leading think tanks to respond to this question.  In fact, just last week I was asked to debate that Suze Orman at Harvard on the thinly veiled topic, “Which of the men from Culture Club would make the best husband?”

Suze Orman is such a damn existentialist.  All the woman knows how to do is regurgitate Kierkegaard and Nietzsche and throw in a bit of Oprah.  The next time you run in to her, just for fun, ask her if Stedman really exists.  Any way, she starts out the debate with her existentialist BS by saying that there is no inherent meaning in things. No essence or purpose which pre-exists. And further, that if you want to find purpose or meaning you can (and will have to) create it yourself.

“Excusez moi, I assert.  “  Have you ever heard Simon LeBon or anyone from Duran Duran for that matter tell you that “I’d be your baby, I’ll be your score.  I’ll run the gun for you, and so much more.  I’ll tumble for you.”

So Suze says, “The man can’t even to a cartwheel.  He ain’t tumblin’ for nobody.”  She wouldn’t  know a metaphor if it bit her in the ass.  And then she goes on to say, “If you want to take the man literally…” at which point I interject, “the boy, not the man.  Is his name Man George or Boy George?”  The audience stood up and applauded.  One point Murray.  Suzy, zero.  So she goes on to quote, “Karma, karma, karma chameleon.  You come and go.  You come and go.  Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream: red, gold, and green.  Red, gold, and green.”  She then goes on to lament, “I’m not married five minutes to the boy, and he’s already painting my kitchen red, gold, and green.  But I want blue, gold and green.  And when I say green, I mean more like a sage.”

Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams.

“Excuse me, Suzy.  Can I ask you just one question?  Would you know a catachresis if it hit you in the head?  The man speaks in allegory!” at which point she interjects, “the boy, not the man” expecting the audience to stand up and applaude.  But the room was silent.  Talk about karma.  “Red, gold, and green are the colors of Africa…the colors of the Rastafari movement.  By saying, “loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams: red, gold, and green.  Red, gold, and green.  Boy George is really saying that he longs for a day when all men will love eachother.  Noble yes.  But doesn’t sound too monogamous to me.

Mr. and Mrs. T in Niagara Falls on their honeymoon

I think you might be better off with Vanilla Ice or that guy from Spandau Ballet.

Don’t forget about yourself!

Meg has been so worried about pleasing others that she forgot about herself.  The sultan of Brunei, on the other hand, never forgets about himself and his needs.  He loves cars.  That’s why he currently has over 7,000, estimated to be worth about 1 billion dollars.  Let’s face it, aren’t there days that you feel like driving your Mercedes, the black one with the white leather interior seats and sometimes you feel like driving your black Mercedes with they grey leather interior seats?

Get Barbra Streisand to support you.

Carly Fiorina spent over $80 million of her own money in her attempt to become senator of California.  Her competitor Barbara Boxer spent only $7.50, but it was money spent much more wisely.  She took Barbra Streisand out for coffee and managed to get her support.  There are rumors though that Barbara has agreed to change her name to Barbra (dropping the non-necessary a) in the beginning of next year.

Effigies 

Have effigies made of yourself and hand them out at rallies.  People love tchotchkes.  I remember back in the mid 70s when Saddam Hussein wanted to give out bumper stickers saying, “Vote for the boy from Al-Awja or I will have your entire family annihilated and have you stoned to death!”  But isn’t that kind of long for a bumper sticker?  I had him make up little statues of himself that he gave out with jelly beans (and not those black ones that nobody likes), just the cherry ones.