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Author Archives: murray
SO WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER?
If you are a teenager, and you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, or even if you are all of the above, I am here to tell you it gets better. But only for about ten to fifteen years. Then it … Continue reading
HOW TO TELL A BAD MUSLIM FROM A GOOD MUSLIM
The media (and when I say “media”, I mean The National Enquirer, People, and US Magazine) has been spending too much time this week on disparaging remarks made against Muslims by Juan Williams and Bill O’Reilly and not enough time … Continue reading
DOES SIZE MATTER?
Donald “The Donald” Trump is just so competitive with me. It’s really quite tragic. He spent two hours this weekend bragging to Miss Dionne Warwick that his yacht is bigger than mine. Dionne tells me everything. That’s what friends are … Continue reading
HOW TO MAKE MONEY OFF OF THE CHILEAN MINERS
Sure, today all of Chile and the world rejoice at the successful retrieval of the miners trapped underground for the last two months. But I’m a little bit worried about tomorrow and how large profits will be made by this tragedy … Continue reading
WHEN RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF NY
Dear Murray, As you know I’m running for New York governor on the Republican ticket. I’m scheduled to do a schtick with the Hassidic Jews over the weekend. They intimidate me. I did a piece on Harvey Fierstein and Barry … Continue reading
Posted in Politics
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WHO IS DR. MURRAY TRILLIONAIRE?
Like Albert Einstein, Nostradamus, and Ricky Schroeder, I have often had to struggle with the fact that people are mesmorized by my beauty, and thus my message (which is often as brilliant as I am beautiful) gets lost. For this reason, I … Continue reading
Posted in Current Events
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WHAT REALLY HAPPENED THE NIGHT THE LIGHTS WENT OUT IN GEORGIA?
While literary scholars tend to agree that the song The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down is candid, guileless, and straightforward, there has been much debate on the cabalistic, cryptic, enigmatic, recondite, and quite transcendental tendencies of the 1973 mega-hit The … Continue reading
NO MORE SODA FOR THE POOR
The New York Times is reporting this morning that New York City Mayor Michael Ruben Bloomberg is trying to push through new legislation that would ban the poor from using food stamps to buy soda. Bloomberg is trying to encourage the … Continue reading
WHAT TO DO WHEN BEING INTIMIDATED
I am in the process of writing a “tell-all” book to end all tell-alls. Kitty Kelly has a lot to learn from me in the fine art of ruining someone’s life or better yet, reputation. But whereas Kelly goes after … Continue reading
HOW TO PICK WHICH CHILD TO CONTINUE YOUR DYNASTY
If you are a parent and a dictator, you know how hard it is these days to pick which child gets to continue your dynasty. My heart goes out to Kim Jong-il who has been struggling with this over the … Continue reading