I was born in Brooklyn, New York some time between 1812 and May of 1973. It is my dear friend, Ms. Zsa Zsa Gabor who taught me to always be vague about my age— it adds mystique. Zsa Zsa likes making herself seem younger than she is; I like making myself seem older. Every time Mr. Larry King sees me, he says, “Murray, who is your plastic surgeon? You look fabulous for someone who might be 198.
Like President Barack Obama, I too, am the product of a mixed marriage. Mother comes from a family of devout Jewish Existentialists who followed the teachings of Miss Dinah Shore…until she started dating that Burt Reynolds. Uch! Father’s family were all Jewish Transcendentalists with Platinum Gold Membership in the cult of
the Merv Griffin. Mother would often fight with Father who wanted to take us to the hills of Coney Island to teach us how to transcend without wearing a helmet. It was very difficult being Jewish Transcendental Existentialists in Brooklyn back in the mid 1970s. Not because there was any religious intolerance but rather due to that Brooklyn summer humidity that used to make our hair so damn kinky. I remember Mother once came home from a day playing mah jong out at the beach. She took one look in the mirror and said, “Look at me! You’d think I were Malcolm X.” I said to her, “Mother, to me you’ve always looked more like Sammy Davis Junior.” In fact, Dinah Shore used to always say that nobody sung The Candy Man like Mother. Not even Sammy! My parents decided that they wanted a new life, far away. So we moved to New Jersey. To this day, I remain bicultural and feel at ease with both a New York and New Jersey crowd. Just don’t put me with people from Connecticut.
But most important for you, I happen to be the world’s leading expert on everything. Everything, including how to become a thin trillionaire in under a year. Every day, billions of people turn to me to determine what their opinion should be on key matters. Should I be pro-life or anti-life? Am I pro-choice or would I rather their be no choice (you choose for me). Do I like Sarah Palin? Do I prefer Sarah Ferguson? Or do I prefer Sara Lee? Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee! Do I really need to care about eh environment or Global Warming or should I be more concerned about the fact that neither Barbra Streisand nor Cher have grandchildren (nor Zsa Zsa for that matter). Having a well thought out opinion on all of these topics can literally take up minutes and minutes of your time…time that you could be doing something much more important…like pilates or watching that TV show Dancing with the American Idol.
I do the thinking so that you don’t have to. Stop thinking! Start listening. Murray to the rescue.