MISTAKE #1: Every night, before you go to sleep, you’re putting $10,000 into your piggybank.  But here’s the problem: at that rate, it’s going to take you a little more than 273,000 years to have a trillion dollars (271,000 if you’re able to find a good Mutual Fund).  In How To Become A Trillionaire and Lose 20 lbs., you’ll learn how to become a trillionaire in less than a year (and it doesn’t even have to be a leap year).

MISTAKE #2: You’ve tried Jenny Craig, Atkins, and Weight Watchers.  You even went Somersizing with the entire cast of Three’s Company. And you’re still chubby!  I’m going to let you in on a little dirty secret: all of today’s diets are all geared for Existentialists.  Think about it!  Kierkegaard, Dostoyevsky, Suze Orman, Nietzsche, Sartre, all gorgeously thin.  But what if you’re a Spinozan Rationalist or a Karl Popper Utilitarianist like me?  You’re screwed!  All this time you’ve been thinking that it was something you did; that it’s your fault if your thighs are chaffing together.   You’re playing right into their hands: that’s just what the Existentialists want you to think…that you’re in full control of your destiny. That it’s your fault if you’re fat.   So how do you lose those twenty pounds and your name is Machiavelli and you know that eating that cheesecake justifies the means?  Buy the book!  I’ll give you a hint…it involves Jolly Ranchers.

"I shall now read the name of the third runner up. Miss Third Runner Up is..."- Mr. Robert "Bob" Randolph Barker III

MISTAKE #3: You’ve waited for this moment for your entire life.  You’re in Miami, Florida, and you’re about to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant.  Suze Orman comes up to you, secretly dressed as Gloria Estefan, and tells you that you need to smile more.  You wind up winning the title of Miss Congeniality and losing the pageant.  The rest of your life is ruined.  In this book, Murray will teach you how to quadruple your chances of winning the Miss Universe pageant.

MISTAKE #4: There’s that one desire that’s been nagging at you your whole life.  And as much as you try to ignore it, you can’t get it out of your mind: the desire to know who was the better Gabor sister…Zsa Zsa or Eva.  Murray has spent millions of dollars and brought together the leading thinkers of our time (including the son of the late Merv Griffin) to come up with the answer.

MISTAKE #5: You’re  at the ultimate party being thrown by none other than Miss Chaka Khan when one Helen Reddy comes up to you and asks you in front of everyone who you think was the Emperor during the Ming Dynasty with the most shiz in his bang?  You panic, not knowing the answer, and suddenly blurt out, “Connie Chung!”  Well, I guess you can just forget about getting invited next week to Chaz Bono’s Summer Beach Party.  And it’s being held at Mother’s house.  I hear even Barbra’s going to be there.   So what’s the right answer?  Buy the book!

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