5 REASONS TO HATE THAT KATE MIDDLETON

So last night I’m doing TV dinners in Buckingham Palace with the queen, and we’re gabbing away like two yentas when she drops this big bombshell on me: “Billy (more commonly known as Prince William) is marrying that Kate Middleton.  I don’t like your berets.”  I was shell-shocked.  So I looked at her and said, “Is that Billy is marrying that Kate Middleton and then a period (.), followed by… I don’t like your berets.  Or is that Billy is marrying that Kate Middleton and then a semi-colon (;) followed by…I don’t like your beret.”  Liz knew exactly what I was alluding to, being the grammar maven that she is.  Were these two independent sentences and thus, thoughts or were they linked, thus requiring the use of a semi-colon.

So she says to me, “Murray, let’s cut the B.S. and go right to the chase.  Prince William wants to marry that Kate Middleton.  But she’s making two demands on me in order to agree to marry him: she wants Sarah “Duchess of York” to always be at least 14 lbs. overweight and for you to no longer be able to wear berets.”

Middleton likes to hunt down ducklings, rabbits, and people who use the word "the".

So I said to her, “Why 14 lbs.?  Why not 15 or 20?”  So she says to me, “It’s a stone.  Us Brits like to talk in stones.  But that’s not important.  I told her that I weigh Sarah every morning right after I have breakfast which is always a bagel with lox flavored cream chesee (much cheaper than having real lox and cream cheese) and before I do my yoga.  In the last twelve years, there has not been a day that she’s been under 17 lbs. overweight.  No need for any new laws or edicts.  But Murray, you are not a British subject.  I have no control over you.”

So I said to her, “That’s right.   I only answer to two people: G-d (who technically is not a person) and Marie Osmond (who technically is).  Listen, Liz, I’ll stop wearing berets the day you become kosher for Passover!”  Knowing full well that she ain’t giving up her morning bagel.

5 Reasons To Hate That Kate Middleton

You know I’m the type of person who absolutely refuses to bad mouth anyone.  It’s just not in my nature…I can’t do it.  Besides, it creates bad karma, and I’m all about yummy karma.  But that Kate Middleton can be so arrogant, pompous, pedantic, didactic, judgmental, affranctuous, babblative, henotheistic, pedestrian, rebarbative, and yucky.  Am I right or am I right?  Now, let me just get one thing straight.  It doesn’t bother me that she is henotheistic per se; look at the Croatians.  They can be very henotheistic as well, and I never say a bad thing about the Croatians (aside from the fact that I don’t like the way they pronounce the letter “g” and their “r”.  And I hate their cabbage soup.)  But the French are just so damn henotheistic.  It’s just a bit excessive.

1. Kate Middleton’s real name is Catherine.  If you’re going to go around calling yourself Kate, then your real name should be Katherine or Kathryn.  If your name is Catherine, then you are Cate.  Cate Blanchett doesn’t go around pretending to be a Kate.  But then Cate Blanchett has morals.

2. Cate Middleton is only 5′ 9″.  If you’re going to be the queen of England, you should either be under 5′ 4″ (as the current queen is) or over 5′ 10″.  To me, that’s just common sense.

3. She doesn’t eat Doritos.  Now I could accept if she didn’t like Cool Ranch as was the case with Princess Di.  But to out and out reject Doritos, that’s just repugnant.

4. Her family can only trace their roots back to the mid 1500s.  What the hell were the Middletons up to in 1437?  I think they’re hiding something.

5. Catherine Elizabeth Middleton loves wearing hats but DOES NOT LIKE WEARING BERETS.

Me Shall Overcome! I will not be intimidated by some chick who has never even been to the Jersey Shore. I will not wear one beret today but two.