Let’s get one little thing straight, sailor!  This is NOT a blog.   Donald Trump blogs; Martha Stewart blogs; Warren Buffett not only blogs but he writes religiously every night in his little pink diary.  Dr. Murray Trillionaire don’t blog.  Its just my website, hosted on cheap and reliable hosting. Youses want to know why?

"I'm really excited about my new blog. It's dedicated to the art of polka dancing. I can't decide if I want to add pictures or video to my blog. Decisions. Decisions. Decisions."- Bill Gates

TRILLIONAIRES DON’T BLOG!  Blogging is for billionaires that use best blog hosting !  Billionaires just love to do things for free.  It’s part of their whole low self-esteem thing.  If you want to be a trillionaire, you don’t do anything for free.  Absolutely nothing, except maybe have sex with an Osmond (preferably Donny), in which case it is fair and appropriate to ask for a tip.  I, Murray Murray Trillionaire am an author, a composer of the written word, and shall be paid for my word.  It’s like Billy Shakespeare used to always say, “So if you want to know if Romeo gets to do Juliet, then go buy the fuckin’ book!  I ain’t no g-d damnith not-for-profit.”

Let’s just get a couple of things straight.  First of all, blogging is a phase and like hieroglyphics and writing on stones, it too will come to an end.  I project this will happen next May.    And then, first of all (oh wait, I already said first of all, but this next point is too important to be a second of all).  First and a half of all, blogging is immoral; if you blog, you are an unscrupulous whore, or even worse, a poorly paid one.  Blogs go against the will of G-d as posts are not seen in chronological order but rather what happened last is seen first.   Did G-d order Noah to create his arc so he could destroy the universe and then two posts later create Adam and Eve?   Screw you, blogosphere, this first post on my blog is actually my last post.  I have written everything backwards so as to unchronologize the unchronologicked.   What would you say of a man who gives his daughter a Sweet 16 and then bat mitzvahs her several years later?  Should he have her wedding at Chuck E Cheese?

And bloggers are expected to post something new on a regular basis.  They’re like children who expect to be fed on Monday, and then on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday….  Shit, that reminds me.  I haven’t fed my kids since last Thursday.  I need to go.  But keep in mind that this is not a blog…it’s more like a haiku…just 500 words longer.  And although nothing rhymes, please keep in mind that everything on this “blog” was written in less than five minutes and with just one pen.  But here’s the real point: you should not be reading this but rather my book, How To Become A Trillionaire and Lose 20 lbs. It’s life-altering.

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MISTAKE #1: Every night, before you go to sleep, you’re putting $10,000 into your piggybank.  But here’s the problem: at that rate, it’s going to take you a little more than 273,000 years to have a trillion dollars (271,000 if you’re able to find a good Mutual Fund).  In How To Become A Trillionaire and Lose 20 lbs., you’ll learn how to become a trillionaire in less than a year (and it doesn’t even have to be a leap year).

MISTAKE #2: You’ve tried Jenny Craig, Atkins, and Weight Watchers.  You even went Somersizing with the entire cast of Three’s Company. And you’re still chubby!  I’m going to let you in on a little dirty secret: all of today’s diets are all geared for Existentialists.  Think about it!  Kierkegaard, Dostoyevsky, Suze Orman, Nietzsche, Sartre, all gorgeously thin.  But what if you’re a Spinozan Rationalist or a Karl Popper Utilitarianist like me?  You’re screwed!  All this time you’ve been thinking that it was something you did; that it’s your fault if your thighs are chaffing together.   You’re playing right into their hands: that’s just what the Existentialists want you to think…that you’re in full control of your destiny. That it’s your fault if you’re fat.   So how do you lose those twenty pounds and your name is Machiavelli and you know that eating that cheesecake justifies the means?  Buy the book!  I’ll give you a hint…it involves Jolly Ranchers.

"I shall now read the name of the third runner up. Miss Third Runner Up is..."- Mr. Robert "Bob" Randolph Barker III

MISTAKE #3: You’ve waited for this moment for your entire life.  You’re in Miami, Florida, and you’re about to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant.  Suze Orman comes up to you, secretly dressed as Gloria Estefan, and tells you that you need to smile more.  You wind up winning the title of Miss Congeniality and losing the pageant.  The rest of your life is ruined.  In this book, Murray will teach you how to quadruple your chances of winning the Miss Universe pageant.

MISTAKE #4: There’s that one desire that’s been nagging at you your whole life.  And as much as you try to ignore it, you can’t get it out of your mind: the desire to know who was the better Gabor sister…Zsa Zsa or Eva.  Murray has spent millions of dollars and brought together the leading thinkers of our time (including the son of the late Merv Griffin) to come up with the answer.

MISTAKE #5: You’re  at the ultimate party being thrown by none other than Miss Chaka Khan when one Helen Reddy comes up to you and asks you in front of everyone who you think was the Emperor during the Ming Dynasty with the most shiz in his bang?  You panic, not knowing the answer, and suddenly blurt out, “Connie Chung!”  Well, I guess you can just forget about getting invited next week to Chaz Bono’s Summer Beach Party.  And it’s being held at Mother’s house.  I hear even Barbra’s going to be there.   So what’s the right answer?  Buy the book!

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This is crazy, and I know I shouldn’t do it, but I’ve just become so damn crazy in love with you over the last few minutes.   I’m thinking of sending you (and only you) the first 23.832 pages of   How To Become A Trillionaire and Lose 20 lbs. for free!  That’s  a forty-five billion dollar offer, free, if you act now.  Just shoot an email to me at murray at and just let me know the following:

  1. What was the middle name of your maternal grandmother’s best friend when she was in 4th grade?  If your grandmother did not have a best friend or she had more than one best friend or you think this question is too personal, then you can borrow my answer: Esther.
  2. If you could be any Latin American country, which one would you want to be?  I would want to be Chile because it is long and thin and has really firm and perky mountains.  So you can be any country but Chile.  So which one do you want to be?
  3. What’s your favorite Sheena Easton song?  Mine is Morning Train although I really like For Your Eyes Only. Keep in mind that Murray is really open minded.  You can be totally honest with me.   No judgments here.  Is it Modern Girl?

Please note: while all other websites lie to you, I love you and respect you too much to tell you anything but the truth.  If someone comes to me and offers me $500 million dollars or more for your e-mail address, they’re getting it.  However, I will never tell them your grandmother’s best friend’s middle name…that is unless they are willing to pay the taxes on that $500 million.  But here’s where I’m different than that Suze Orman: I will split the money with you fair and square with me getting 80%.  That’s the deal!!  Under $500 million, we walk.  500 or more and you’re getting your ass over to gmail or yahoo or whomever and getting yourself a new email address.  And I don’t want to hear you kvetching.

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Dr. Murray Murray Trillionaire, author of HOW TO BECOME A TRILLIONAIRE AND LOSE 20 LBS., is the world’s leading expert on how to become a thin, sexy, self-actualized trillionaire in less than six months.  Trillionaire was born in Brooklyn, New York sometime in the 20th century.  Although birth records undisputedly show that he was born in 1966, he claims to have been born in 1901 and to be over 110 years old.   He was born into a mixed marriage and was disowned by both sides of his family five years before he was born.  Trillionaire’s mother,  Indira Shakira Moneybags was from a family of devout Jewish Non-Existentialists who believed that nobody existed but themselves…quite convenient when they wanted to cut any line or avoid paying a grocery bill.  Trillionaire’s father, Leroy “Velvet” Trillionaire was from a family of Jewish Transcendentalists that worshipped at the cult of The Dinah Shore until she shacked up with that Burt Reynolds, an act that the Trillionaires considered to be more descending than transcending.  The family went on to worship at the cult of the Merv Griffin, leaving Brooklyn for religious asylum in Central New  Jersey.

Murray’s mother wanted to name her newborn son after the world renowned, American economist Murray Rothbard who helped to define libertarianism as a “free-market anarchism” that he called “anarcho-capitalism”.  Murray’s father wanted to name his son after Murray, Kentucky, a city that remained pro-union during the War of Northern Aggression.  The  parents compromised and named their son Murray Murray Trillionaire after neither.   Trillionaire was raised as a Jewish Transcendentalist Limited- Existence Existentialist but converted when his parents refused to serve pigs in the blanket at his Bar Mitzvah, becoming a Buddhist Negative Utilitarianist with tendencies towards hypochondria.

Dr. Trillionaire and Ms. Suze  Orman were lovers in their previous, last twenty-seven incarnations.  But in spite of the fact that Murray remained totally faithful to Suze in all but eighteen of those relationships, Suze cheated on Murray in their last incarnation with the past incarnation of Charles Nelson Riley who was the lover of the last incarnation of Charles deGaulle.   Ironically, both Nelson Riley and deGaulle were also named Charles in their previous incarnation but both went by the nickname “Bunny”.  Trillionaire, who has been known to hold a grudge for centuries, has yet to forgive Orman for her indiscretions.

Although Trillionaire’s actual net worth is not known, it is rumored that he owns 90% of the British royal family and sold The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson to Weight Watchers in 1998 for over 5 million pounds claiming at the time that that was how much she needed to lose.

Dr. Murray Murray Trillionaire has two PhDs: one in Yiddish Country Music from Brigham Young University and the other in the history of Medieval New Jersey from The University of the Paramus Mall.  So he is actually Dr. Dr. Murray Murray Trillionaire.  But he refrains from referring to himself as such in fear that people will think he stutters.

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“Why didn’t I think of this?” -Socrates

“This book should get its own number in the Dewey Decimal System, something easy to remember like 500.  I don’t give a shit what that does to the rest of the Dewey Decimal System.  I never liked Dewey.  Or decimals.”- Suze Orman

“I’m going to buy the screen rights to this book, make it into a movie, and cast Stedman as Murray.  Don’t tell Gayle, though.  I want it to be a surprise.”- Oprah Winfrey

“Cuchi-cuchi to the 100th power!”- Charo

“I don’t think I’ve read a book that uses semi-colons with such finesse since I last read Jackie Collins’ Hollywood Wives which I haven’t read for weeks.”- Bill Gates

“Murray is hot.  I’d do him.  And I don’t care if Jupiter approves or not.  I wonder if Murray is into gladiators.  I have this really cute gladiator outfit. “-Hercules (demi-god)

“Do you think that I have a fat ass?”- Warren Buffett

“This bouk makes me glad that i can reed!”- Justin Bieber

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