Dr. Murray Trillionaire

I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil.  Today, we have been contacting by someone who would like to keep his true identity hidden.  He has asked that we not use his last name and just refer to him as “Former President Billy C”.     

Dear Dr. Murray,

Do I have aggravation!   My wife is spending money like it’s going out of style.  5 million dollars here, and 6 million dollars there.  Now, if she were using the money to buy something valuable like a Twinkies factory or a massive Jelly Bean making machine, I wouldn’t say a thing.  But she keeps on withdrawing money from our bank account, and the refrigerator remains empty.  Come to think of it, I don’t think she’s gone food shopping for the last sixteen years!  I may have had one or two indiscretions (affairs) about ten years ago.  Come to think about it, I may have also had ten indiscretions (affairs) about one or two years ago.  Well, I think she’s just found out that I haven’t always been faithful and is making me pay financially.  What do I do?

Bill

Dear Bill,

Sounds to me like your wife is disappointed about something, that things aren’t turning out the way she expected them to be.  She’s disillusioned.  I can relate.  I’ve been there.  Do you know that in the matter of one week I found out that Toni Tennille’s real name isn’t even Toni, that her supposed “Captain” has never been on a boat, that Captain Kangaroo is neither, and the one that I have still not been able to swallow: Susan from Sesame Street, her real name is Loretta, she’s not married to Gordon, does not live on Sesame Street, and has not spoken with Big Bird for more than five years!  How much can a man take?  Did I crumble?  Did I go on a huge shopping binge?  No, I prefer to go on eating binges.  But that did not solve my problem, and it will not solve your wife’s problems.  The answer is simple: live in a world of dillusion.  Refuse to accept reality.  You see, I now live in a world where Toni Tennille is not only married to a captain, but he is also the leader of a big country we will call Argentina.  Susan and Gordon not only live on Sesame Street but never leave.  Dillusion, because it’s better than reality.  Did you know that i”m 6′ 5″ and only weight 135 lbs.?

I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil.  Now, it’s Barbara Walters.      

Dear Dr. Murray,

Do I have aggravation!   This week I told Oprah Winfrey about an affair that I had many years ago with Edward Brooke, the former Senator.  Sure, I saw the cameras rolling, but I had no idea that she was actually filming me and would make it public.  I’m so embarassed.  But I have to admit.  I also feel quite liberated.  It’s made me want to confess all my other little secrets.  Like the fact that back in the 70s when both I and Richard Simmons were at ABC that I used to put real sugar in the Sweet N Low packets on The Richard Simmons show.  I used to crack up every time I heard him complain that he was gaining weight even though he was “being really good on his diet.”.  Oh, and what about all those times I used to prank call Tom Brokaw, pretending I was Jane Paulley and tell Tom that “I” was madly in love with him.  Oh and what about the time I was interviewing current President George Bush during Hurricane Katrina and I told him that Louisiana must be so happy about the flooding that “them poor people” love floods since they don’t have pools.  Oh, and what about the fact that I encouraged Cher to break up with Sonny and that I could get her a date with Geraldo Rivera.  That never materialized but who cares! 

Do you think I should come out with all these confessions or keep them hidden so as not to tarnish by fabulous reputation?

Barbara Jill Walters

Dear Barbie,

I’m here with Star Jones noshing on Jelly donuts.  We both thing you should keep it a secret.  Don’t worry your confessions are safe with me.

I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil.  Now, it’s Jeremiah Wright, former pastor at the Trinity United Church of Christ.      

Dear Dr. Murray,

Do I have aggravation!   Everyone is jumping down my back because of one or two or maybe twenty things that I have said that may have been inflammatory or if read out of context could seem anti-American (when I’m really more anti-Canadian).  But once again, we’re dealing with a double standard.  As everybody knows Hillary Rodham Clinton has a step-aunt who is Jewish and attending services in a suburb of Chicago where the rabbi is none other than the extremely controversial Rabbi Jeremiah Goldstein.  That man should be arrested.  I quote just a few of his inflammatory remarks:

1. Kosher salt not only has bigger grains than its Christian counterpart, but is far tastier.  I think Christians should stop making salt and focus on oregano and ginger.

2. Barbra Streisand should have never dated Barry Gibb from The Bee Gees.  Barry Manilow, yes.  Barry Gibb, no.

3. No, I’m not sick.  I’m coughing because I love to cough.  Three kids that I raised and not only sent to college but to Graduate School as well.  You’d think at least one would come over make me some soup.  No, it’s more important from them to blog.

4. I bought a time share in Boca (Raton) that should have cost $28,000.  But I talked the girl down to $20,000.  At $20,000 it’s a steal.

5. Do you see those dancers on Dancing with the Stars.  What bodies!  And they never sweat.  Don’t Gentiles sweat too?  I sweat all the time.  My doctor says it’s because I’m carrying around 200 excess pounds.  But she’s my wife, and I can’t afford to divorce her.

This rabbi needs to be stopped before he destroys Hillary’s chances of getting the Democratic nomination.

Whatever,

Jeremiah Wright

Dear Jeremiah,

He should be arrested.  He pays $20,000 for a time share in Boca and calls himself a Jew.  I could have gotten it for $10,000 with an extra week every other year, and a free box of Girl Scout cookies for all the trouble.  Hillary needs to distance herself from him.  He’s crazy.

I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil.  Now, it’s Warren Buffett, businessman and C.E.O. of Berkshire Hathaway.    

Dear Dr. Murray,

Do I have aggravation!   I have been working over the last few weeks on a deal for Mars, maker of M&M’s, to acquire Wrigley, the chewing gum people.  But over the last 24 hours I have been plagued with self-doubt.  Is this a good move?  Is chewing gum passe?  Should Mars be trying to buy Venus (Williams, the tennis player, not the planet)?  You know how I am, Murray!  I work on something and then get plagued with self-doubt.  I lack confidence in myself.  It’s not easy growing up in Nebraska with a name like Warren.  I’m a middle child too.  Mother always preferred my younger brother Jimmy Buffett.  I spoke with Bill Gates yesterday, and the only thing he could say was, “we can put a piece of Juicy Fruit in every Windows Office Suite!”  Great!  That’s really going to help.  What should I do? 

Warren “Wish I were a Murray” Buffett

Dear Warren,

Have you ever thought of having people call you Renny or WaWa?

Unlike sucking candies, chocolate bars, and lolly pops, gum has always had a hard time definining itself and has continually danced back and forth from a utilitarian to hedonistic perspective.  In the 1960’s there were two types of gum: spearmint and peppermint (and in some more advanced societies like the United States, cinnamon).  Gum was expected to freshen your breath.  That’s it.  Get in, freshen the breath, leave.

But then came around your 1970’s with its hippies and drug users and all of a sudden you see people like Sir Walter Bubblelicious and the Schwartz brothers (Hubba and Bubba) coming out with psychodelic flavors like Sour Apple, Strawberry-Kiwi (before this, nobody except for some people in New Zealand even knew what a kiwi was).  Gum was now expected to entertain, to pleasure the senses.  I smoke pot; I swing; I put one piece of Sour Apple and two pieces of Wild Passion Guava Mango in my mouth.  Who cares about my breath? 

Then came the 80s and the Reagans who would have none of that.  Gum needed to become serious again.  It had to have a purpose, and that purpose could no longer just be to freshen your breath.  Now gum would be expected to whiten your teeth, improve your enamel, and get rid of plaque build-up.  Things that would never be expected from a chocolate bar or a tootsie roll.  Don’t get me started!

Well, the clock is swinging back, and people want pleasure.  Organic and going green are big these days.  So I’m really bullish (or is it bearish, I never can get these two terms straight) on a Zucchini flavored gum.  Leeks are big ever since that book came out that says French woman are thinner than Americans since they eat lots of leeks.  And of course, who doesn’t love carrots.  Always organic.  No pesticides. 

And listen WaWa, we’ve put a man on the moon, we can put stents in the heart, do laser surgery where only 20 years ago, we were forced to do liposuction, but why does gum continue to lose its flavor after fifteen minutes?  Why isn’t there a gum I can leave in my mouth all day?  You got a moral responsibility, Renny.  Go for it!

I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil.  Now, it’s William Douglas, C.F.O. of Coca Cola Enterprises.    

Dear Dr. Murray,

Do I have aggravation!   I was travelling in France (my wife’s choice, not mine).  I noticed that every time we went to a party that people would bring wine as a gift.  Always wine.  Never Coca Cola.  BORING!  First of all, from what I understand, there are only two kinds of wine: red and white.  Secondly, unless it’s Champagne, there’s no fizz to it.  And finally, it has no caffeine.  I mean I don’t want to brag, but we have regular Coke, Cherry Coke, Lemon Coke, Diet Coke, and if asked we could probably make a Coca Cola Quiche.  But nobody gives Coca Cola as a gift.  What gives? 

William Douglas, C.F.O. Coca Cola Enterprises

Dear William,

Packaging.  The French are really into the packaging.  All they care about is how things look on the outside.  Take a look at  them.  Sure, they all look great on the outside, but did you take a look at their insides?  Nobody really likes the wine; they all love the little purple velour or velvet bags that the wine comes in.  Sometimes it even has a golden cord at the top.  Very snazzy. 

You need to come up with those same little bags to stick a large bottle of Coke in.  Maybe a bright red velvet to go with the Coke bottle itself.  And if you want to put yourself one up on those wine people, put little kangaroo pouches on your red velvet bag where people can add little treats like a stash of peanuts, M&Ms or Doritos.   

I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil.  Now, it’s Katie Couric, anchor of The CBS Evening News.  

Dear Dr. Murray,

Do I have aggravation!   My ratings are in the toilet.  Is it my fault?  Or is it sexism that people don’t expect a woman to be telling the news.  All everyone talks about is how I dress!  I’ve been trying to call some old friends for advice but nobody wants to help me.  Walter Cronkite just pretends that he’s his answering machine every time I call, and just says, “You have reached Walter Cronkite.  I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m dead.  Please call Dan Rather.”  Walter’s old, but he’s not dead, is he?  Besides, when I call Dan he just pretends that he’s French and that “il ne parle pas anglais.”.  You’re my last hope Murray, what should I do? 

Katherine “Katie” A. Couric

Dear Katie,

Sexism is dead.  Sure there are some chicks like Diane Sawyer and Connie Chung that would lead you to believe that women are still at a disadvantage.  But can you really believe what they say?  Why is The View doing so well?  That show is all women, and it’s all news!  If I want to know what Lindsay Lohan was doing last night, who do I turn to?  The Queen of All Media, Perez Hilton.  The problem is not that people don’t want to hear news from a woman, it’s just that they want for it to be in an argumentative nature and gossipy. 

So rather than your boring, “12 People Died in Iraq yesterday”, why don’t you say, “They’re saying that 12 people died in Iraq yesterday, but I think it was more like 14.”

And about the way you dress!  I’ve been telling you for months that Willard Scott should be your role model, not that Jane Pauley.  You know that Willard was the original Ronald McDonald– it skyrocketed him to fame!  Why don’t you start dressing like Ronald?  Less than 3% of all 2-7 year olds watch the news.  Why isn’t this market being exploited?  If you can get the Pre-K crowd to watch you, you know their parents are going to follow.

I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil.  Now, it’s Miss Dolly Parton, one the greatest Country singers and actresses of all time.  

Dear Dr. Murray,

Do I have aggravation!   You know how I hate to travel during Passover.  So I had the Passover seder at my house again.  Kept it simple; just invited Reba, Tim and Faith, Kenny Rogers, four of his ex-wives, and Willy Nelson who cancelled at the last minute for some commitment he had at NASCAR.  I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is “Yes!”.  Of course, I served Murray’s famous potato kugel.  I also served the late Mama Cass’s chicken soup with her famous matzoh ball recipe.  That’s where the trouble began. 

I’m cooking the whole day, sweating like a pregnant nun.  Now, it’s no secret that Mama liked really big balls.  And I always follow that recipe to the letter.  Well, we’re all eating and Reba makes some little wise remark like, “Hey Dolly, are these matzoh balls real or did you stuff them with something?”  Well, I just went ballistic.  How dare she make fun of my big balls in front of Tim and Kenny!  So I tied her to one of my hogs, and think I still hear her howling.  Or is that just one of the hogs?  Who cares?

Kosher kisses from Nashville,

Dolly

Dear Dolly,

You’re right.  Who cares?  More importantly, what did Tim think of my kugel?

I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil.  Now, it’s Hillary Rodham Clinton, Senator from New York and former superstar.

Dear Dr. Murray,

Do I have aggravation!   I’ve already written my Inaugural Address, picked my Cabinet, and even picked the Vera Wang dress I was going to wear to the Inaugural Ball.  But as I’m sure you already know, it’s looking less and less likely that I’m going to be president.  What should I do?

Hillary R-C

Dear Hillary,

$109 million dollars in seven years, and last year, you and Bill took Bill Richardson out to Taco Bell for his birthday!  What were you thinking?  The man’s mother is Mexican.  And to tell him that he could either get the Burrito Supreme or The Taco Supreme but not both.  Penny wise and a pound foolish.  Bob Reich called me last week.  A Wal-mart gift certificate for his daughter’s bat mitzvah!  You know the Reichs prefer Target. 

Now, you know I’m the first person to try and save $100 million dollars here and $5 billion dollars there.  But when you are in the business of buying people’s loyalty, you need to get used to writing some zeros (and that would be zeros after the one, not before).  Let’s face it, Bill’s getting the big speaking gigs because he was president, not because he was governor of Arkansas.  You need to become president, followed by a Chelsea presidency, if the Clintons are ever to become trillionaires.  And sometimes you got to give a little to get a lot. 

Get your checkbook out.  The super delegates are waiting.  Those care packages with your chocolate chip cookies ain’t going to cut it.  Besides, everybody knows that it’s Bill that made the cookies. 

I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil.  Now, it’s Howard Schultz, C.E.O. of Starbucks.

Dear Dr. Murray,

Do I have aggravation!   My plan was to open 10,000 new Starbucks every day.  Within a year, there would be a Starbucks for every man, woman and child on the planet.  Except maybe for Sheena Easton, who for some reason only drinks water.  But sales are faltering.  There’s competition from Dunkin Donuts and McDonald’s.  And I’m starting to hear rumors that both Prince and Sheila E are thinking of only drinking water.  What do I do?

Howard Schultz, Starbucks C.E.O.

Dear Howard,

I can name that tune in one note: the bialy.  Or would that be considered two notes?

Back in the mid 70s the world was eating Wonder Bread and appeared to be happy.  But I knew that there was a fortune to be made.  Now I could have taken the easy road and started introducing chocolate flavored or strawberry flavored Wonder Bread like those in the cereal industry were doing.  But then I’ve always had a revolutionary spirit.  World– meet the bagel.  I decided to take the bagel on a road trip.  She would no longer be stuck in the five boroughs of New York and parts of New Jersey.  It was time for the world to know the bagel.  I decided that I would start in Kansas and Nebraska, move quickly to Holland and Zimbabwe, fully knowing that once I had hit Connecticut that cream cheese would be every where.  I’d start off simple.  Plain bagels.  By 1979 before the death of disco, I would introduce sesame and poppy seeds, fully knowing that by the dawn of the new century, I’d have to have an Asiago bagel and maybe even a bagel that was a hybrid of itself and French Toast. 

It’s time for Phase 2.  But I’m too tired to schlep all the way to Holland and Zimbabwe.  And Connecticut frightens me.  Since Starbucks are everywhere, this is a perfect match.  Together, we need to now introduce the world to the bialy.  Don’t tell the bagel I said this, but the bialy is even better.  You know how the bagel has a hole in the center that you can’t eat.  Well, there’s no hole in the bialy.  Au contraire!  The center is filled with a mixture of onions, garlic, and poppy seeds.  I’m going to send a dozen to Sheena right away.  It’s better to have her on our side.   Are you ready?  On second thought, maybe we should wait until after Passover. 

I’m the world’s leading self-help guru; they all come to me for advice, not to Dr. Phil.  Now, it’s Britney Spears, singer extra-ordinaire.

Dear Dr. Murray,

Do I have aggravation!   As you know, my dad now has full control of my finances.  He’s got me on a $20 a week allowance.  He says I should be greatful as it’s fifty times what I was getting back in Louisiana when I was 10.  But back in Louisiana a Slurpee only cost $0.20; they’re close to $30 here in LA.  What do I do? 

Britney J. Spears (stuck in L.A. (that’s Los Angeles) and not back home in LA (that’s Louisiana))

Dear Britney,

You’re going to have to start your own company that will allow you to have some more money and independence.  If we start the company under your legal name, the  money is just going to go back to your father, and that will just defeat our purpose.  So we’ll start the company under the name Britney Trillionaire, and the money can then funnel back to me.  I’ll of course then give you an allowance. 

I always tell people that you need to start a company in an area that is familiar to you.  So here’s my idea for you: Invisible Underwear.  You know how you and Paris are always complaining about how most underwear leave marks and can be seen when you put on pants three sizes too small.  Invisible underwear doesn’t do this.  It won’t bunch up.   Three pairs in a bag for $19.99.  No wait a minute, maybe there should be a week’s supply in a bag so that people only have to do their wash once a week.  I know you say that Paris only changes her underwear twice a week, but I think most people will need at least five pairs.  Five pairs for $29.99.  We’ll need to have invisible tags with washing instructions put in, and I’m sure we can outsource that to somewhere in China.  Maybe we can even get some people like that Heidi Montag, Jessica Simpson, or Ellen Degeneres out on the town wearing their invisible underwear.